Learning to accept the Unpredictable
I thought by 24 years old I would be successful. I thought I would have a stable job.I thought I would be married. I thought my mom would still be here. I thought I would have accomplished so much and have everything figured out by now.
I know a lot of us grew up with these expectations. As kids, we imagined that by a certain age we would have reached all our goals and checked off every box we dreamed about. Life was supposed to make sense by then.
But here is the truth.
None of that happened the way I imagined.
I lost my mom. I am not married. I still struggle with my mental health. I do not have a perfect routine or a perfectly balanced life. Wanting so much and not getting it the way you planned is incredibly frustrating. Sometimes it feels like all I am doing is surviving.
I try so hard to control what is happening in my life. I hold on tightly because I am scared of what happens if I let go. Some days I feel like a doll being tossed around by circumstances I cannot control. Letting life just happen feels terrifying. Giving up the steering wheel feels like giving up safety. I want to believe that everything will work out, but faith feels hard when your life has been unpredictable for so long.
Earlier today, I was in the shower thinking about where I see myself in ten years. I kept asking myself how I can make sure everything works out in my favor, especially where I am right now. I chose a career that is unpredictable. One moment it feels like everything is aligning, and the next moment I am scared I will fall off completely. I worry that I am on the wrong path. I worry that maybe this is not meant for me. I worry that I am doing everything wrong.
Maybe it is the Virgo in me, but I need answers. I need certainty.
At the same time, my life has been filled with opportunities I never thought I would have. Things that once felt impossible are now part of my reality. And yet, I am still scared to let go. I am scared that the moment I stop controlling everything, it will all fall apart.
I think a lot of this comes from being the only girl in my family. With that comes responsibility. Taking care of everyone. Being strong. Never having space to be free or uncertain or reckless. Now that I am older, that fear has followed me. I am scared of failing. Scared of disappointing people. Scared of everything collapsing if I make one wrong move.
I live with a lot of anxiety. Constantly thinking about what is next. Constantly thinking about how to grow. How to secure money. How to do more. We live in a world where money touches everything, and that pressure never really leaves my mind. Even when I accomplish something, I struggle to celebrate it. Instead, I immediately think about what I could have done better or what I need to do next.
There was a moment where I realized I needed to pause. I needed to be grateful for what has come to me. Things are working in my favor, just not as fast as I want them to. Life was never promised to be smooth all the time.
Growing up, fear was deeply ingrained in me. I was constantly told what would not work out. I felt like I had to plan my entire life as a child and stick to that script perfectly. But life does not follow scripts. Somewhere along the way, that plan slipped out of my hands.
For a long time, my future felt blank because my life revolved around my family, even my dreams. Now, as an adult, I am learning how hard it is to let go of control. I am learning how deeply the fear of failure was planted in me. The belief that I cannot mess up. That I cannot fall.
Lately, I have been trying to trust the process. I am realizing how much I struggle with letting go and believing that things will work out for me. A lot has gone wrong. A lot has broken me. But time and time again, something else has opened up. I have gotten back up. I have tried again.
If I want a better life, I know I have to loosen my grip. But it is hard to undo what has been ingrained in you. The constant thoughts of what if this does not work out. What if everyone is disappointed. What if I disappoint my mom. Those thoughts are loud. Some days all I can do is try to quiet them and keep moving forward anyway.
Nothing worth having comes easy. The path is rocky. It is uncomfortable. It can feel suffocating at times. But faith matters. Support matters. Having God, friends, or even one person in your corner can make the difference.
I will be honest. There were moments I wanted to give up. Being dark skinned, being plus size, existing in this world as I am does not make things easier. But I chose this journey. I accept that it will be slow. I accept that there will be moments that feel heavy and overwhelming.
So that is my goal for this year. To loosen up. To have fun. To do something embarrassing. To stop gripping life so tightly and actually give things a real try. And even if it does not work out, to get back up and try again. Because the only way to break a habit is to keep trying over and over and over, even when it feels uncomfortable.
I refuse to lose parts of myself just because I was too scared to try. I truly believe I can do anything I put my mind to, but only if I give it my all. Even when I am scared. Even when it hurts. Even when it feels painful and heavy. Even on the days it feels hard just to get out of bed. Even on the days I want to give up completely. I want to choose to get up anyway and try again, and again, and again.
Letting go of control is hard. Accepting the unpredictable is just as hard. Not everything will work out the way I want it to. But maybe it will work out in a way that benefits me. And even if it does not, at least I can say I tried.
And that is enough for me, for now.
Thank you for reading my thoughts.
Welcome to Sophi Diaries, where I rant, reflect, and talk through whatever is living in my head. Let me know if yall can to relate too